What hurts the most

Two months have passed since you left me, since you decided we could not be together anymore. Since then I've been walking alone...
It hurts to feel lonely again, it hurts going home and having nobody to talk to, nobody to whom I could complain about my day.
It hurts to walk in the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon, watching couples celebrating love and happiness together and I feel so empty inside.
It hurts going to sleep late at night (cos I just can't sleep well anymore) having nobody to hug, nobody beside me in the bed.
It hurts going to the cinema all by myself and not receiving your messages of love on my mobile anymore.
It hurts spending two months missing you, loving you, but knowing you're not coming back.
I saw you the other day. You were happy, laughing with your friends. You talked to me, you were different, you were better, better than me...
What hurts the most is watching you passing by, knowing you don't care...
What kills me the most is to realise you forgot about us...
You forgot about me.

*Inspired by a song.

Harrowing 2006

I close the door and
I leave the memories behind
Across this corridor
Haunted truths become lies
Slowly losing their ties

Blood bound to passion
Drowning over in obsession
I could never see the facts
I could not hear all the cries
Now I just close my eyes

Silence screaming in my ears
Wandering lost all these years
And all of those nights I died
Wishing hope would make me stay
But I have never found my way

They have closed the door
Memories leave me behind
Dreaming alone in that corridor
The lies to which I bind
Go slowly becoming truths

Slowly becoming you and I

Venetian blind

Sitting on the chair in my room on the second (or third?) floor of a building I look through the window and watch the people passing by.
I cannot see everything, the strips of the Venetian blind sometimes close and open because of the wind, they sometimes move away revealing parts of the scene outside. They sometimes move slowly and patiently letting me see all the details of that car parked on the street right across the square, or allow me to watch that drunk man trying to cross the street at 6 p.m. (drunk at this hour!) I laugh...
Or sometimes a gust of wind makes the strips produce a frenetic movement and then I can only see flashes of what is going on outside, a lady and a dog, two school girls, cars, cars, drunk man, a man on the phone, pigeons, people, flashes, only flashes...
Looking at all those people, I try to think about them, I try to understand them and learn about their lives... But all I have are flashes, pictures reflected on a window.
They don't know me, they cannot see me and I can only see what the strips of the blind allow me to see, the whole picture, parts of it, flashes of it...
I shut the strips.

Marital Status

Today in an interview a woman asked me about my marital status and I replied:
"Brokenhearted"
Yes, nobody ever stopped to think about it maybe... but there are brokenhearted people.
People who live alone and who are lonely because they love or loved someone they are not together with anymore or have never been together with at all.
People whose only purest belief is in true love, people who wish they had somebody to call their own, people who cry when they listen to a love song...
"Single?" She questioned.
No, not single... I'm not open to meet new people, I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to go through the same process of meeting a person, falling in love, being fooled and having the hard time to fall out of love again... Enough of all this pain...
"Oh, yes..." I just nodded.
My heart is permanently broken and that's how it's going to be for as long as I shall live.

A difficult choice

I have a choice to make and it's not a very easy one...
I can choose to live alone or to be miserable forever.
You are going to help me. I need to make a choice and I don't have much time to think.
Will you leave me to be alone forever?
Will you share my misery with you?
Yeah, I never thought you would...

Piece of paper

I wrote her name on the paper today... I still think about her.
I wrote it with all the letters and they sounded so perfectly well...
Her name on the paper... it's all I've got.
Not even the memories, not even the photos... I'm listening to our song, but not even that belongs to me anymore... not even ten years, not even those moments we shared, they are all gone.
I lost everything and all I have with me is a piece of paper with her name on it...
My dearest treasure, I'll keep it and I'll look at it every night before going to sleep.
I'll never let it go... I'll never let it go.

Solitude

Going to sleep, I lay down in my bed sorrounded by the darkness of my room. Eyes still open, I feel like I can reach the distance that separates us.
Alone, I let my thoughts run free and the memories of better days fill my soul with joy. I remember sunny days in the park, the sweet smell of her perfume and soft music playing faraway, it's warm, it's enchanting... and the rainy days by the fireplace, drinking wine until her cheeks turn red, laughing and resting her head on my chest, I thought that moment would never go away.
The promises of love would never be broken, whispered words in my ear talking about future plans, talking about our lives together. I could feel her heat, her caress, her kisses so tender.
We would get married in one month, she was so happy and I was so nervous... I think I was never sure about what I really wanted... I was never sure about it until now...
Tears roll down my face, I don't care to hide, nobody can see me covered by the night, nobody cares...
Love is a lonely feeling, love brings you happiness, but also makes you lonely, because we only feel lonesome when we love someone I guess, when we need someone by our side... and here I am now, alone in my room... remembering days bygone.
Yesterday, I buried the love of my life... we would be married in one month...

It's over...

"Ok, I'm listening" She sat patiently on the chair, crossing her legs and laying her hands sotfly on her knees. She looked so serene, so calm and resigned. "I'm listening" her thin lips repeated these words in my mind. She was looking at me, I think she was, she was staring at me with those beautiful blue eyes, yes they were blue as the sky, I used to tell her that. But they were cold this afternoon, they were staring at me almost lifelessly... piercing through my soul.
A song started playing in my head, like one of those love songs, repeating the chorus over and over again... I shook my head trying to organise my thoughts.
"I'm tired, you know..." Cold stare, she looked away, I followed the motion of her hair, black with some silver flocks shining under the darkness of that night, my own private night as it used to be. Did I use to tell her that?
"I think that... I only wanted to..." She looks back again, raises her eyebrows trying to show interest, she makes a slow movement with her head and that calls my attention. She always makes precise movements, says precise things, she is always so precisely perfect! And the song in my head.
"What's wrong?" What's wrong? I don't know... "Why do you come here?" My heart stops for one second, she's looking at me puzzled, I look away, no! I stare at the ground, she's inside me, she's there in every dark corner of my soul, haunting me, she's there still.
"I, I want to know... why don't you tell me..." A sigh, the song in my head, it just won't go away... playing over and over again... she's not listening anymore, is she? What am I saying anyway? I feel so confused, lost... did I tell her this?
The chorus playing in my head over and over again. God, I wish I could just forget about all that!
"Let's forget about this..." Forget about what? Everything looks so different now... I know it does... She knows about that too, things look different.
I'm alone, "Please, just leave me", listening to that song, listening to that song inside my head over and over again...

Imaginary things

A girl looked at me twice in the bus. I was there, reading, listening to music and when I lifted my eyes up just to check if I was close to my bus stop or not, I noticed her looking at me. She immediately turned her eyes away of course, so did I. But then, after just a few seconds, I looked back again and there she was staring at me. We repeated the same awkward process of looking away and, I don't know why, I felt like laughing!
For some odd reason, I felt happiness and, out of a sudden, it came to me that part of our lives is made of imaginary things. Things that we wanted to have, people we wanted to know, people we wanted to be... it's all imaginary!
For a brief moment I felt happy, because when I saw that girl, in less than one-second thought I could visualise a picture in my mind... like a whole different life just passing right through, just like a movie.
That girl, beautiful by the way, would know me and not only would she know me, but she would also marry me and, in this turmoil of crazy thoughts about hypothetical lives, we would be very happy... I could see a white house and a nice car parked in the garage. I was just getting home and she was anxiously waiting for me, right in the front door she'd kiss me passionately as she always did over these past five years. She'd ask me about my day, I'd complain as usual and she'd make a funny remark just to tease me. Later on, I'd play with our children, ask about school, congratulate Peter for his wonderful performance in Math and kiss Sally on her soft cheeks, I just love her cheeks. Together we would talk a lot, watch some TV to relax and have dinner, stroganoff, my favourite! She knew exactly what I liked, my perfect wife... I'd love her so much.
She stood up and got off the bus, three or four stops before mine. I would never see her again. I went back to my book, I felt like laughing... what a life! What a beautiful life I had just for a few seconds...

Flowers

Today when I was going home, I saw beautiful flowers on the ground, all scattered around a tree. They were red, most of them, and together like that they seemed to be a carpet, like a red carpet...
I passed by the tree sorrounded by these delicate red flowers and I noticed they were not from there, some of them were withering already, their colours were fading, the soft petals all smashed and bruised...
All fading, waning, dying flowers scattered on the floor...
Silly me... I just couldn't see all the flowers up there on the top of the tree!

The Call

I'm going to call her! I can't wait anymore!
She said she would call, but two hours have passed since then and yet, no calls... She was looking lovely this morning, it was very cold and rainy outside, but when she arrived and looked at me with a smile I felt like I was melting, as if it was a really hot summer day. "Good morning" she said and passed by letting her hair go out of a bun, at the same time I felt that sweet scent of roses, her perfume invaded my nostrils and I didn't offer any resistance to that, I think I even kept my eyes half closed trying to enjoy it as much as I could... I just hope she didn't notice that.
I told her I needed to speak to her, "It is very important" I said, "Ok, I'll call you then" she said. And that's it, I thought to myself, that's the moment and I can't let it go. I got home and didn't leave the phone unattended for one single moment whatsoever! My eyes staring at it relentlessly, my hands sweating cold "She's gonna call! I know she is!" Or isn't she?
Maybe I should call her... but what if I call her and she thinks I'm being too persistent or desperate, what's even worse!
I think I can wait two hours more for her call... I think I'm going to read a book and just leave the phone there or maybe eat something... I think I shouldn't worry so much... I think... I think I need to call her now!
I feel like I've got a knot in my throat, my mouth is dry and time is not passing by...
I start fidgetting my fingers on the table, I stand up, I walk to and fro the telephone, I sit down... I can't wait anymore... I really need to call her... she needs to know the way I feel, she needs to know about everything... that's the moment!
I pick up the receiver, butterflies in my stomach, I push the stone cold keys and dial her number... now it's just a matter of seconds... just a few seconds to change my life completely, to bring light into my gray and dark soul, to live and be happy again... just a few seconds away from her... just...

The line is busy...

Delirium

What does the mind's eye see?
Images of dreams and delusions?
Dreams weaving reality?
What does the poet see?
Empty hallucinations lost inside?
A shape twisting and creating itself
In many different colours and shades?
Take this oniric veil out of my mind
Allow me to perceive what you see
Muse, don't ban my sight
God, I need to awake!

A thought

There are wide and lonely places in my mind where my thoughts run free, lost and forgotten.

Recurring thoughts

2 p.m. I awake, my head is spinning, nobody's home...
Trying hard to gather my thoughts I look at the nightstand clock, it's late!
I stand up quickly, almost losing my balance I reach the doorknob and hold still, it feels like I've been drinking all night or maybe I just slept too much.
Going to the toilet, I wash my face with cold water to wake up... maybe who knows, get rid of this headache, but it's no use... I look at myself in the mirror... pale, dead-like pale. Not the best look for a Sunday, whatever...
I push myself down the hall and go back to bed and just let my body fall over it, almost inert. I roll my eyes back to the nightstand... James Joyce and his Dubliners is there waiting for me to finish, I think about taking the book, but my hands don't move...
No sound in the room... birds singing and dogs barking outside, sometimes a very distant cry or cars passing by... but here there's no sound.
What's wrong? What's going on? Time runs fast, I close my eyes trying to remember a dream, my head hurts so much... I need to remember it...
I sit on my bed with my head between my hands, my eyes closed... that's not just another day... or it was not supposed to be one!
What's going on? What's going on today?
I never forget, I never forget the same things and they always happen, I can't help thinking about them! What's wrong? I whisper to myself...
Between here and there lies the same distance, but it's a long one, it's endless, almost infinite... what's wrong? Is it beyond my reach?
The same thoughts, the same questions... Major headache, I go back to sleep.
I still need to remember that dream!

Two Days

I've mourned for you for two days
I've suffered because of you
I've lost sense of direction again
I've been without a meaning for life

It took two days to wipe out the tears
To mend the pieces of my broken heart
To forget the pictures of my mind
To breathe new life into my soul

You took me two days to recover
You took my life in your hands
And just threw it easily away
Two long days to be myself again

Two days to forget about two years
Two days to forget about five minutes
Two days to forget about one moment
That ripped out my heart and torn it apart

Just two endless days to move on
Forty-eight hours of sorrow and pain
Two ruthless days marked in my chest
Two days to forget you for a lifetime

It only took me two days...

Emptiness

So that's love they say
The astounding feelings
Aching desires and lust
A maelstrom of passion
But when love is gone
When love never ever comes
All that is left behind
Is a hollow soul
An empty man's body
The shell of sorrow
A pool of lies and regret
All that rests is emptiness

Mindflux (an experiment)

I’m never gonna make it, it’s way past 3 already and I’m late again... I’m always so damn late, I guess my father is right. I hate him, always right, always criticizing, always knows everything... as if he knew exactly the way I feel, he never knows, he barely cares about me, I’m sure he didn’t want to have another kid, he’s always talking about my brother and sisters, but me, he hates me... I hate him... I hate old people and buses... what a bloody combination! Damn, just look at that old fart trying to get off the bus, I’m late, for Christ sake! Get out of the fucking bus, old lady! I wish I could just kick her out! There you go, three more minutes late, I hate old people, they should just stay home...
I’m never going to get old, I’m sure... I’ll probably die of some disease or car accident, maybe an air crash, yeah, this one's better...
I need you to need me too, well switch the music I’m tired of this one... "I need you to need me" that’s so not real, as if I’d ever find someone who would need me as much as I need them, it’s all bullshit this love stuff... Why do we love anyway?
I guess my friend is right... it’s just a reproduction technique, people need to mate... well, I agree with that... I think I know this one... yeah, the same girl I saw yesterday when I was late for my... damn, always late... I hate that!
Time, time is a diabolic thing... why do we have to follow schedules and timetables? Just to have good definitions about what is late and what is early... lazy and hardworking people...
Yeah, I know this girl... she was in my class... she’s quite good looking from this point of view... but I don’t know her name… I need to find out her name... then maybe next time I could start a conversation, who knows... oh, just forget about it... you’ll never do that! I’m so stupid sometimes...
No, not this song... I’m tired of this too... I need to delete this one... ok, that’s a good one...
Time to go... I’m late!

Forever alone...

I am alone again, alone as I have always been in my whole life.
Love has forsaken me, I have been doomed by my destiny one more time...
Only this time I believed, only this time I prayed for somebody to love and love me too. But the song has ended, the image is gone... I feel like I’ve been torn apart in a thousand pieces, all scattered on the floor, I feel empty, incomplete.
Without you I’m half the man I wanted to be.
Without you I wander lost in a world of confusion and pain.
Forever alone...

(5/5)

Daydreaming

In the darkness of my room, I hear that sweet voice again calling my name.
I see the shadows dance around me, taking the shape of a body, I see bright green eyes staring right into my soul, lips smiling full of joy, soft hands touching my skin.
That presence, that perfect human being taking over my body and soul...
I try to wake up, but my eyes are not closed! I am lost in a daydream’s illusion...
There is somebody there, I see you there holding my hand... But I am alone...
I look at the dark figure swaying around me, my head is spinning I feel so confused. I keep looking at it "You gave me love, you gave me more than I could ever wish for! I love you, image of my dreams! Stay tonight, don’t leave me here in this lonely room all by myself."
I close my eyes, I start crying... My hands are so cold... I feel so cold inside...
There’s nobody here... the room is empty, there is no sound... there is... nothing.

(4/5)

And so...

And so I understood I was not meant for love.
It was a feeling I could not share with someone, but only suffer from it.
I resigned myself to this fate, locked myself away in my room and stayed there, silently thinking... lost in my own solitude.

(3/5)

Once...

Then once in my life I heard a song and it was the sweet voice of love filling my ears with joy.
My heart started pounding hard and fast, I was in love for the first time.
I wish that feeling would be complete, I wish it could make all my dreams come true... I realise then, I was the only one listening to that song and it faded away, killing me slowly inside...

I had a heart that longed for love, I lonely heart buried in a soulless man’s chest.

(2/5)

About me

It's time to introduce myself...

A curse was placed upon me since the day I was born. A small snow-white angel whispered in my ear "You shall live and grow old on this world, you shall love everyone, but you shall never be loved."
My mother couldn't understand why I cried for one month...
And that is how I grew up and nobody could ever understand my crying soul...
I was born to walk in the shadows, I was meant to walk alone...

(1/5)

Blank

empty day in my mind
emptiness in my heart

Tearing and breaking down

You didn't leave me a message, you didn't say hi...
You read all my letters and didn't reply...
I was waiting for your answers, I needed to know if you loved my smile
No answers, no message, no nothing... you don't care
I'm tearing now...
I'm breaking down...

Love hurts me again...

A beggar

Cold Monday morning, I was walking on the street buried in my own thoughts...
I was waiting to cross a busy avenue when I saw a beggar on the corner all rolled up in an old and dusty blanket, trying to hide away from the freezing wind... I looked at him and he had a strange look in his eyes, it was oddly pleasant and peaceful.
I stared at the old man as I could not figure out why he seemed so serene, so calm...
He has such a difficult life, he doesn't have anything: no shelter, no food, no clothes, maybe not even friends... I needed to know, I really needed to know why he seemed to be so glad!
I was already late, thinking about the loads of things I have to do and the lack of time I have to do all of them when he saw me and smiled at me...
I crossed the avenue and I realise...

We always want to know too much

The photo...

She showed me a photo today... she was so happy, I could see the brightness in her eyes, the same way I could see years ago when I told her how much I loved her.
She showed me a photo with her boyfriend... they are celebrating one year, she wants to make a special surprise... she asked me for advice...
I don't know why she showed me that photo today... just today...
She's happy, she's happy in the picture...

I'm miserable inside...

The Poet