Solitude

Going to sleep, I lay down in my bed sorrounded by the darkness of my room. Eyes still open, I feel like I can reach the distance that separates us.
Alone, I let my thoughts run free and the memories of better days fill my soul with joy. I remember sunny days in the park, the sweet smell of her perfume and soft music playing faraway, it's warm, it's enchanting... and the rainy days by the fireplace, drinking wine until her cheeks turn red, laughing and resting her head on my chest, I thought that moment would never go away.
The promises of love would never be broken, whispered words in my ear talking about future plans, talking about our lives together. I could feel her heat, her caress, her kisses so tender.
We would get married in one month, she was so happy and I was so nervous... I think I was never sure about what I really wanted... I was never sure about it until now...
Tears roll down my face, I don't care to hide, nobody can see me covered by the night, nobody cares...
Love is a lonely feeling, love brings you happiness, but also makes you lonely, because we only feel lonesome when we love someone I guess, when we need someone by our side... and here I am now, alone in my room... remembering days bygone.
Yesterday, I buried the love of my life... we would be married in one month...

It's over...

"Ok, I'm listening" She sat patiently on the chair, crossing her legs and laying her hands sotfly on her knees. She looked so serene, so calm and resigned. "I'm listening" her thin lips repeated these words in my mind. She was looking at me, I think she was, she was staring at me with those beautiful blue eyes, yes they were blue as the sky, I used to tell her that. But they were cold this afternoon, they were staring at me almost lifelessly... piercing through my soul.
A song started playing in my head, like one of those love songs, repeating the chorus over and over again... I shook my head trying to organise my thoughts.
"I'm tired, you know..." Cold stare, she looked away, I followed the motion of her hair, black with some silver flocks shining under the darkness of that night, my own private night as it used to be. Did I use to tell her that?
"I think that... I only wanted to..." She looks back again, raises her eyebrows trying to show interest, she makes a slow movement with her head and that calls my attention. She always makes precise movements, says precise things, she is always so precisely perfect! And the song in my head.
"What's wrong?" What's wrong? I don't know... "Why do you come here?" My heart stops for one second, she's looking at me puzzled, I look away, no! I stare at the ground, she's inside me, she's there in every dark corner of my soul, haunting me, she's there still.
"I, I want to know... why don't you tell me..." A sigh, the song in my head, it just won't go away... playing over and over again... she's not listening anymore, is she? What am I saying anyway? I feel so confused, lost... did I tell her this?
The chorus playing in my head over and over again. God, I wish I could just forget about all that!
"Let's forget about this..." Forget about what? Everything looks so different now... I know it does... She knows about that too, things look different.
I'm alone, "Please, just leave me", listening to that song, listening to that song inside my head over and over again...

Imaginary things

A girl looked at me twice in the bus. I was there, reading, listening to music and when I lifted my eyes up just to check if I was close to my bus stop or not, I noticed her looking at me. She immediately turned her eyes away of course, so did I. But then, after just a few seconds, I looked back again and there she was staring at me. We repeated the same awkward process of looking away and, I don't know why, I felt like laughing!
For some odd reason, I felt happiness and, out of a sudden, it came to me that part of our lives is made of imaginary things. Things that we wanted to have, people we wanted to know, people we wanted to be... it's all imaginary!
For a brief moment I felt happy, because when I saw that girl, in less than one-second thought I could visualise a picture in my mind... like a whole different life just passing right through, just like a movie.
That girl, beautiful by the way, would know me and not only would she know me, but she would also marry me and, in this turmoil of crazy thoughts about hypothetical lives, we would be very happy... I could see a white house and a nice car parked in the garage. I was just getting home and she was anxiously waiting for me, right in the front door she'd kiss me passionately as she always did over these past five years. She'd ask me about my day, I'd complain as usual and she'd make a funny remark just to tease me. Later on, I'd play with our children, ask about school, congratulate Peter for his wonderful performance in Math and kiss Sally on her soft cheeks, I just love her cheeks. Together we would talk a lot, watch some TV to relax and have dinner, stroganoff, my favourite! She knew exactly what I liked, my perfect wife... I'd love her so much.
She stood up and got off the bus, three or four stops before mine. I would never see her again. I went back to my book, I felt like laughing... what a life! What a beautiful life I had just for a few seconds...

Flowers

Today when I was going home, I saw beautiful flowers on the ground, all scattered around a tree. They were red, most of them, and together like that they seemed to be a carpet, like a red carpet...
I passed by the tree sorrounded by these delicate red flowers and I noticed they were not from there, some of them were withering already, their colours were fading, the soft petals all smashed and bruised...
All fading, waning, dying flowers scattered on the floor...
Silly me... I just couldn't see all the flowers up there on the top of the tree!

The Call

I'm going to call her! I can't wait anymore!
She said she would call, but two hours have passed since then and yet, no calls... She was looking lovely this morning, it was very cold and rainy outside, but when she arrived and looked at me with a smile I felt like I was melting, as if it was a really hot summer day. "Good morning" she said and passed by letting her hair go out of a bun, at the same time I felt that sweet scent of roses, her perfume invaded my nostrils and I didn't offer any resistance to that, I think I even kept my eyes half closed trying to enjoy it as much as I could... I just hope she didn't notice that.
I told her I needed to speak to her, "It is very important" I said, "Ok, I'll call you then" she said. And that's it, I thought to myself, that's the moment and I can't let it go. I got home and didn't leave the phone unattended for one single moment whatsoever! My eyes staring at it relentlessly, my hands sweating cold "She's gonna call! I know she is!" Or isn't she?
Maybe I should call her... but what if I call her and she thinks I'm being too persistent or desperate, what's even worse!
I think I can wait two hours more for her call... I think I'm going to read a book and just leave the phone there or maybe eat something... I think I shouldn't worry so much... I think... I think I need to call her now!
I feel like I've got a knot in my throat, my mouth is dry and time is not passing by...
I start fidgetting my fingers on the table, I stand up, I walk to and fro the telephone, I sit down... I can't wait anymore... I really need to call her... she needs to know the way I feel, she needs to know about everything... that's the moment!
I pick up the receiver, butterflies in my stomach, I push the stone cold keys and dial her number... now it's just a matter of seconds... just a few seconds to change my life completely, to bring light into my gray and dark soul, to live and be happy again... just a few seconds away from her... just...

The line is busy...