Memories, Laments and Songs

Doubts

2010-07-12T23:10:00.004-03:00

Should I say I'm tired?
That I've got no more strength to fight?

Can I give you all the answers?
To all the questions that my eyes can see?

I don't know...

I don't know if yesterday we were celebrating
and today we're just burying our dreams
I don't know if there's still a chance
or if I've lost all the chances I had
I don't know if my heart can survive,
if it can endure another pain like that
I don't know if I'm made of the same stuff
all men on Earth were made
Because I don't understand their feelings
I don't understand their thoughts
I don't know about their wishes
I just suffer from their regrets...

I believe I have some answers,
but not to the questions I find...
I don't know anymore.

Let me in

2009-11-06T09:46:00.002-02:00

Let me in
and be all yours
Let me slip slowly
into your heart
Let me discover
your vices and
love your virtues

Because I want you!

Let me realise
you want me too
Let me erase
the past and start
living again
Let the fears behind
and come, come
let me in...

Escape

2009-09-16T00:16:00.004-03:00

And he slowly takes the pen
His hand moves smoothly across the paper
The ink touching each atom of his white freedom
The words appear faintly and so feeble...
He's trying to feel what they say
Trying to fill the hole inside
Repeating them softly aloud
Convincing himself they will bring salvation
There is a momentary relief
Some silence in his mind
Pain dissolved in symbols
He knows it is never lasting
But it gives him comfort for now
Until he writes again...

Going to sleep

2009-09-11T00:47:00.003-03:00

Turn off the lights before you leave
and don't look back, please...
Don't try to find your way back
into my heart like some lost keys.
There's nothing to be found anymore
Because there's nobody there
in the silence that you left here inside.

It's just a soul now craving for existence
in somebody else's dreams or even heart.

It's an echo of life fading away
in broken speeches, forgotten promises,
smashed between non-returned calls,
scattered around strange desires
all spread on this soft silky floor
that now nests me to my sleep

It's everything there but you never see
Turn off the lights now and leave...

In my life

2009-08-07T00:56:00.002-03:00

In my life I've seen things
Some were good and colourful
Some were bad and dreadful
I've been to many places
And I've made many memories
Some of them I still keep inside
Some are forgotten in my heart

In my life I've met people
Some I know and care
Some I don't know where
Some made me what I am
Some put me really down
But still are part of my soul
Some I miss I'll never see again

In my life I've done jobs
I've had my share of books
Of tasks, of words and losses
I've built incredible things
And ruined them with a thought
I've done wonderful projects
And finished them along the way

In my life

Inertia

2009-07-14T20:39:00.002-03:00

A permanent state
Slowly falling into numbness
A limb that doesn't move
White hands don't touch
Static stoned wide-open eyes
Blank lips aren't kissing fools

Afraid of not going out of here
Trapped in a motionless feeling
Dragged by empty emotions
In cold marble arms of nothingness

A fear of being seduced by this
Smoothly letting everything go
Surrended by a caring warmth
Of not knowing, not having,
not worrying, not there...

Giving in to becoming noboby
Taken away by this crowd
Being just a face in the rabble

Stop the body, stop the pulse
Stop this mind, stop this heart
Make this part of your life
Say goodbye now and take care

Oblivion

2009-05-25T00:11:00.004-03:00

Images fade away like
pictures carved on the sand
It was a day in autumn
You and I holding hands
That was a sweet moment
We were having dinner by candlelights
Oh, the day I made you that surprise...
I just see them going away
held by a thin thread of repentance
The only thing that puts my memories together

They are not important anymore
Lost, few, insignificant remembrances
I watch them shatter in tiny pieces
taken by the wind of time
Like dead leaves from a tree
Lost, bitter, forgotten fragments of a dream

Everything is fading away
Names I forget, faces I don't recognise
People I don't see, dates I don't mind
Memories that are not mine
I thought I would never part from them

You're gone
I shall become myself again

The day after you

2009-05-17T21:26:00.005-03:00

I wake up
It's 4pm and I'm still looking for answers in my mobile
Nobody is calling me and I should be ok
I'm not...

I thought last night was special and you'd stay
I thought I had finally found someone
Who said I was looking for someone anyway?

I look in the mirror and lie to myself
I'm not as old as I think I am
But not as young as I wished to be
Time is passing by and I'm growing tired of meeting strangers in the night

I take another glass of wine
As thoughts run through my mind
Some music is playing in the back
"Falling hard for you"
I don't want to meet anyone

I turn off my mobile
I switch off the lights
I'm gonna sleep for the rest of the day
And see what happens then...
Maybe you call
I'm gonna sleep for a while
"Heaven help me now"

In the room

2009-04-06T22:58:00.004-03:00

"You know?"
"What?"
"I think this is it..."
"Yeah?"
"Pretty much."
"Is it good? How are you feeling?"
"Better than I thought I would."
"It's curious, right?"
"It' sad..."
"Sad?"
"It's sad to realise everything is gone... all the feelings I built up in my heart are just fading away..."
"Hmm... This should be good, I think. It means you're getting over..."
"And what for?"
"What do you mean?"
"Now I feel fine... good! But what's the point? What's the purpose in finding out you never meant that much for me?"
"Well..."
"I just came here to tell you this... everything that we had together, you simply ruined with your lies, with your stupid games... And we had the best, you had my best... why did you take it all for granted?"
"I didn't want to lose you..."
"And I'm growing more and more tired of all this... I think we're better off alone afterall..."
"Are you sure?"
"No, but I'm sure you don't deserve me anymore..."
"If I go out through that door, you'll never see me again..."
"We both know this is not true...
I just hope that when I see you again, my heart won't bleed like this."

Abstinence Syndrome

2009-03-15T18:07:00.002-03:00

It's 6 pm
But it could be 1 pm or 6 am
I wouldn't tell the difference
The lights are off, sheets are cold
Can't get to open my eyes
I just hear this noise
A conspicuous noise banging inside my head
Flashes crashing down behind my eyes
Following the hysterical bangs in my mind
Screams trying to survive, struggling to come alive
I turn my head around, it's so bright inside
They are voices, voices that I know
Memories that are recent
Memories of Sundays and happy days
Memories I cherish in my heart
Now haunting my sleep
They wanna tear my body up
And come out to fill this room
Will they ever go away?
Please, make them go away...
I need to forget
I need to let them go.

Grief

2009-03-06T10:29:00.004-03:00

I entered the empty house and saw all the boxes on the floor... Who could imagine that a whole life together would now fit in carton boxes separated by names - mine and yours. Everything that have always belonged to both us is now divided, sorted and put away inside those boxes on the floor. Pictures, portraits, books go with me... clothes, CDs, albums go with you...
But memories stay here in this empty house, inside this empty soul, lost in the corners of my mind, carried by a little hope that things will get better one day - at least that's what my friends say.
You're not here anymore and although I see you everywhere, I know those things are just images from my head, but I wish they were real...
I wish our love was real... you say you can't promise me anything, you want me close to you as your friend. I can't be your friend, becoming your friend means denying so many wonderful things we spent together. It means rejecting the kisses, the hug, the love, the tender moments, the quarrels, the jealousy... no, we can't be friends... not now at least.
I take my boxes, you're coming tomorrow for yours. I look back and I miss the life we were building together - what went wrong?
Too late for answers, maybe too late to make things right... I close the door.
I walk down our street as tears wash my face... get in the car and drive away from there.
It's gonna take a long while to be me again...

A heart to spare

2009-01-19T23:34:00.002-02:00

If I had a heart to spare
I'd give it to you gladly
So you could break it
And cut it as deep as
You do to mine

If I had a heart to spare
I'd let you throw it away
So you could step on it
And smash it as badly as
You did to mine

If I had a heart to spare
I'd put it in your hands
So you could play with it
And fool it as coldly as
You did to mine

But I have only one heart
One heart of my own
And I can't give it to you
I can't let you do with it
Whatever you feel like

I have only one heart
One single lonely heart
And for the first time
I'm going to keep it
Right here with myself

It's January already...

2009-01-12T15:21:00.003-02:00

And the day I long waited for never came...
I better just go outside and as my friends say face the reality anyway.
I couldn't help myself but wonder how funny and how unpredictable things are.
I can't help thinking that on this very same day last year I knew exactly what I wanted for my life and I was overwhelmed with this feeling of excitement, this feeling of something new...

... It was the beginning of the year.

Now, the thing I've always struggled against in my life, happens again and here I am once more.
And the feeling of excitement, the feeling of something new has gone. The only feeling that remains is the same old feeling, that same fear of my past years. That fear I wanted to forget... but now he's back again to make me company... my only company... and I'm afraid.
I face the uncertainty of this life, I'm not scared of walking in the dark, but alone...

... It is the beginning of the year.

Cycle

2009-01-07T01:13:00.003-02:00

I don't want to leave this bed
I don't want to touch the floor
And realise I'm still around
I don't want to go outside
And see life passing by
I don't want to live this again
I don't want to turn on the lights
And see this face in the mirror
Growing old and grey with sorrow
I don't want to count the hours
Of unrelenting sleepless nights
I don't want to stare at the walls
I don't want to look for you in the room
I don't want to have memories of this
I don't want to repeat everything
And end up doing it all over again

The sonnet of wish

2009-01-05T10:07:00.003-02:00

Yesterday I thought that if I had a wish
Only one wish I could fulfill
Then maybe I would wish to have you here with me
And instead of just having you holding me tight
I would have you here deep inside my heart
I wouldn't just wish to feel your touch
But I'd love to touch your soul
I really wanted to have you having me in your thoughts
And sending me messages in the middle of the day
Telling me you were thinking of me
Inviting me for a walk in your plans for the future
And wishing me to stay in your life forever.

How great it could be if you really knew
the person here standing right in front of you...

New Year's Day

2009-01-02T17:36:00.005-02:00

But everything feels the same

The same sad eyes

Same fake smile...

The same grey day outside

And you making me cry one more time.

It should be a brand new day

But why do I feel like I am living it all again?

The same disappointment and the same pain here inside...

I have a whole year ahead to walk alone this time.

Guess you could make a change...

Guess it could never be any different anyway.

For lack of inspiration...

2008-11-21T10:37:00.002-02:00

For lack of inspiration
I thought about giving up
For lack of determination
I thought about not writing
For lack of encouragement
I thought about deleting
For lack of everything
I thought about dying

But

For lack of audience
I thought what the heck anyway...

I see you

2008-01-15T01:07:00.001-02:00

I see you
In the empty spaces of my mind
In my heart’s burning desire
I see you
In a bright sunrise
In the rainy lonely days
I see you
In my soul’s luminous reflection
In the sweet pulse of unstoppable life
I see you
In the words I write on the paper
In a thought flying so distant
I see you in my eyes
I see you in my body
I see you wherever I go
I only see you

Christmas Prayer

2007-12-25T01:04:00.000-02:00

Every night when I go to sleep
I lie down on my bed
And I listen to your song
Letting your sweet voice
Fill the empty spaces of my heart

As tears roll down my face
I try to convince myself I don’t miss you
I try to forget the look in your eyes
I want to erase the warmth of your skin
But I just can’t forget all that

It is already December
But the days are still cold and grey
At this moment, I just wish
I could have you again in my arms
I wish you would change your mind

If only you could see
You are everything I need
And I could be everything for you
We could build a life together
And live happily ever after

But the night is still here
And you don’t come my way
I cry myself to sleep
Listening to your song and
Dreaming of maybe one day, one day…

Tell Me

2007-11-18T20:44:00.002-02:00

When the moments are so tender
And your voice is everything I hear
When our bodies are entwined
And your breath is the air I need
How can I tell my heart to let it go?

When your touch is so special
And your eyes blow me away
When your kiss is my addiction
And your arms are my protection
How can I tell my heart to forget you?

Tell me how not to like you more
Tell me how I cannot miss you
How can I not want you in my arms?
Tell me, what should I tell my heart?
Just tell me this...

Why?

2007-11-10T20:49:00.000-02:00

Why do we have to say goodbye?
Why do you have to walk away?
And leave me here by myself
Begging so much for you to stay

Why do I have to carry
This pain in my heart?
Why does my love story
Never have a happy end?

Why do you have to move on?
So quickly, so easy and
Why does my lonely soul
Still crave for your light?

Why do I keep asking
All these questions?
Knowing you don't care
You don't want me anymore

Why does it always
Have to be this way?
Locked again on my own
Hurt again in my heart

Reasons

2007-10-28T18:19:00.000-02:00

Sometimes it's hard to explain
Why I like you so much
If I stop to think about it
I try, but I can't find
One single reason whatsoever

But to like you
I don't even need to think
And it's not in mind or logic
I'll find all the reasons
Why I like you so much

Only when I listen fearlessly
To a soft and silent voice
Telling me I am all yours
It's when I finally realise
The reason comes from the heart

And if I don't quit the fight
And write these twisted verses
Only to let you know
Everything that I feel inside
It's because I really love you so much

(Now it seems to be so late, a bit too late perhaps...)

Without You

2007-09-21T18:23:00.000-03:00

I am living the hours
But they don't pass by
I miss you so much
But you don't call me

I search in the room
The bedroom and on the TV
I wish so much to see you
But where are you?

Wandering alone
Thinking of you
I look for your face
In the faces of others

I search for you
I want to find you
I can no longer stay
One second without you

One More Chance

2007-08-27T21:31:00.000-03:00

Long grey days without you
Many lonely nights in the cold
I spend my time just waiting
For the moment I'll see you again
Touch your so gentle hands
And feel you in my arms again
Making all my dreams come true
God, I wish so intensely that
These moments would last forever
Forever in your heart and soul
Oh, tell me you want this too
You wish to be with me at once
Here I am begging of you
To give me one more chance
To show you my heart is true

Don’t

2007-08-19T18:05:00.000-03:00

I don’t want to be your past
I don’t want to be just a memory
Of so many days bygones
I don’t want to be a message
Forgotten on a piece of paper

I don’t want to be someone
You just met on the corner
I don’t want you to forget me
I want to be real in your life
To be part of your destiny

Don’t let this pass by
Don’t let these moments go
Don’t let my feelings fade away
Don’t let my heart beat alone
Don’t make me cry another night

One Wish

2007-08-16T01:27:00.000-03:00

I wish to write poetry
From my body into yours
I wish to ask you a chance
To be all mine once again

I wish to ask your soul
To let me take it to infinite skies
I wish to ask you just once more
For your kisses to be just mine

Oh, kill me cruel and vile destiny
If I can no longer live with you
Rip my soul out of this flesh

Release me of these anxieties
If I can't write my verses
On this body I wish so much

In Aeternum

2007-07-24T11:09:00.000-03:00

I want to bleed poetry
And watch the verses
Flow out of my veins
Into the void spaces
Of my existence

I want to die in your soul
And while I close my eyes
Long for your thoughts
To be of my own
When I am gone

I want to hear my words
Linger inside your heart
Lasting forever in the sounds
Coming from your voice
And live eternally in you

Notes

2007-06-21T17:24:00.000-03:00

Notes in blank pages
Lost wandering thoughts
Passages of a life never lived
Written in dreams and illusions
And a wish, just a single desire
To read a story here

(Darkness, I meet you again)

2007-06-17T16:11:00.000-03:00

Tales of romance and love
Heart deep stories of heroes and queens
Everything belongs to the books

Everything begins with a bliss
Nothing seems to have an end
Dreams are not real though...

What hurts the most

2006-08-16T22:46:00.000-03:00

Two months have passed since you left me, since you decided we could not be together anymore. Since then I've been walking alone...
It hurts to feel lonely again, it hurts going home and having nobody to talk to, nobody to whom I could complain about my day.
It hurts to walk in the park on a sunny Sunday afternoon, watching couples celebrating love and happiness together and I feel so empty inside.
It hurts going to sleep late at night (cos I just can't sleep well anymore) having nobody to hug, nobody beside me in the bed.
It hurts going to the cinema all by myself and not receiving your messages of love on my mobile anymore.
It hurts spending two months missing you, loving you, but knowing you're not coming back.
I saw you the other day. You were happy, laughing with your friends. You talked to me, you were different, you were better, better than me...
What hurts the most is watching you passing by, knowing you don't care...
What kills me the most is to realise you forgot about us...
You forgot about me.

*Inspired by a song.

Harrowing 2006

2006-08-13T13:14:00.000-03:00

I close the door and
I leave the memories behind
Across this corridor
Haunted truths become lies
Slowly losing their ties

Blood bound to passion
Drowning over in obsession
I could never see the facts
I could not hear all the cries
Now I just close my eyes

Silence screaming in my ears
Wandering lost all these years
And all of those nights I died
Wishing hope would make me stay
But I have never found my way

They have closed the door
Memories leave me behind
Dreaming alone in that corridor
The lies to which I bind
Go slowly becoming truths

Slowly becoming you and I

Venetian blind

2006-07-30T11:59:00.000-03:00

Sitting on the chair in my room on the second (or third?) floor of a building I look through the window and watch the people passing by.
I cannot see everything, the strips of the Venetian blind sometimes close and open because of the wind, they sometimes move away revealing parts of the scene outside. They sometimes move slowly and patiently letting me see all the details of that car parked on the street right across the square, or allow me to watch that drunk man trying to cross the street at 6 p.m. (drunk at this hour!) I laugh...
Or sometimes a gust of wind makes the strips produce a frenetic movement and then I can only see flashes of what is going on outside, a lady and a dog, two school girls, cars, cars, drunk man, a man on the phone, pigeons, people, flashes, only flashes...
Looking at all those people, I try to think about them, I try to understand them and learn about their lives... But all I have are flashes, pictures reflected on a window.
They don't know me, they cannot see me and I can only see what the strips of the blind allow me to see, the whole picture, parts of it, flashes of it...
I shut the strips.

Marital Status

2006-07-21T22:03:00.000-03:00

Today in an interview a woman asked me about my marital status and I replied:
"Brokenhearted"
Yes, nobody ever stopped to think about it maybe... but there are brokenhearted people.
People who live alone and who are lonely because they love or loved someone they are not together with anymore or have never been together with at all.
People whose only purest belief is in true love, people who wish they had somebody to call their own, people who cry when they listen to a love song...
"Single?" She questioned.
No, not single... I'm not open to meet new people, I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to go through the same process of meeting a person, falling in love, being fooled and having the hard time to fall out of love again... Enough of all this pain...
"Oh, yes..." I just nodded.
My heart is permanently broken and that's how it's going to be for as long as I shall live.

A difficult choice

2006-07-09T23:32:00.000-03:00

I have a choice to make and it's not a very easy one...
I can choose to live alone or to be miserable forever.
You are going to help me. I need to make a choice and I don't have much time to think.
Will you leave me to be alone forever?
Will you share my misery with you?
Yeah, I never thought you would...

Piece of paper

2006-07-04T23:27:00.000-03:00

I wrote her name on the paper today... I still think about her.
I wrote it with all the letters and they sounded so perfectly well...
Her name on the paper... it's all I've got.
Not even the memories, not even the photos... I'm listening to our song, but not even that belongs to me anymore... not even ten years, not even those moments we shared, they are all gone.
I lost everything and all I have with me is a piece of paper with her name on it...
My dearest treasure, I'll keep it and I'll look at it every night before going to sleep.
I'll never let it go... I'll never let it go.

Solitude

2006-06-15T23:06:00.000-03:00

Going to sleep, I lay down in my bed sorrounded by the darkness of my room. Eyes still open, I feel like I can reach the distance that separates us.
Alone, I let my thoughts run free and the memories of better days fill my soul with joy. I remember sunny days in the park, the sweet smell of her perfume and soft music playing faraway, it's warm, it's enchanting... and the rainy days by the fireplace, drinking wine until her cheeks turn red, laughing and resting her head on my chest, I thought that moment would never go away.
The promises of love would never be broken, whispered words in my ear talking about future plans, talking about our lives together. I could feel her heat, her caress, her kisses so tender.
We would get married in one month, she was so happy and I was so nervous... I think I was never sure about what I really wanted... I was never sure about it until now...
Tears roll down my face, I don't care to hide, nobody can see me covered by the night, nobody cares...
Love is a lonely feeling, love brings you happiness, but also makes you lonely, because we only feel lonesome when we love someone I guess, when we need someone by our side... and here I am now, alone in my room... remembering days bygone.
Yesterday, I buried the love of my life... we would be married in one month...

It's over...

2006-06-13T20:50:00.000-03:00

"Ok, I'm listening" She sat patiently on the chair, crossing her legs and laying her hands sotfly on her knees. She looked so serene, so calm and resigned. "I'm listening" her thin lips repeated these words in my mind. She was looking at me, I think she was, she was staring at me with those beautiful blue eyes, yes they were blue as the sky, I used to tell her that. But they were cold this afternoon, they were staring at me almost lifelessly... piercing through my soul.
A song started playing in my head, like one of those love songs, repeating the chorus over and over again... I shook my head trying to organise my thoughts.
"I'm tired, you know..." Cold stare, she looked away, I followed the motion of her hair, black with some silver flocks shining under the darkness of that night, my own private night as it used to be. Did I use to tell her that?
"I think that... I only wanted to..." She looks back again, raises her eyebrows trying to show interest, she makes a slow movement with her head and that calls my attention. She always makes precise movements, says precise things, she is always so precisely perfect! And the song in my head.
"What's wrong?" What's wrong? I don't know... "Why do you come here?" My heart stops for one second, she's looking at me puzzled, I look away, no! I stare at the ground, she's inside me, she's there in every dark corner of my soul, haunting me, she's there still.
"I, I want to know... why don't you tell me..." A sigh, the song in my head, it just won't go away... playing over and over again... she's not listening anymore, is she? What am I saying anyway? I feel so confused, lost... did I tell her this?
The chorus playing in my head over and over again. God, I wish I could just forget about all that!
"Let's forget about this..." Forget about what? Everything looks so different now... I know it does... She knows about that too, things look different.
I'm alone, "Please, just leave me", listening to that song, listening to that song inside my head over and over again...

Imaginary things

2006-06-09T22:21:00.000-03:00

A girl looked at me twice in the bus. I was there, reading, listening to music and when I lifted my eyes up just to check if I was close to my bus stop or not, I noticed her looking at me. She immediately turned her eyes away of course, so did I. But then, after just a few seconds, I looked back again and there she was staring at me. We repeated the same awkward process of looking away and, I don't know why, I felt like laughing!
For some odd reason, I felt happiness and, out of a sudden, it came to me that part of our lives is made of imaginary things. Things that we wanted to have, people we wanted to know, people we wanted to be... it's all imaginary!
For a brief moment I felt happy, because when I saw that girl, in less than one-second thought I could visualise a picture in my mind... like a whole different life just passing right through, just like a movie.
That girl, beautiful by the way, would know me and not only would she know me, but she would also marry me and, in this turmoil of crazy thoughts about hypothetical lives, we would be very happy... I could see a white house and a nice car parked in the garage. I was just getting home and she was anxiously waiting for me, right in the front door she'd kiss me passionately as she always did over these past five years. She'd ask me about my day, I'd complain as usual and she'd make a funny remark just to tease me. Later on, I'd play with our children, ask about school, congratulate Peter for his wonderful performance in Math and kiss Sally on her soft cheeks, I just love her cheeks. Together we would talk a lot, watch some TV to relax and have dinner, stroganoff, my favourite! She knew exactly what I liked, my perfect wife... I'd love her so much.
She stood up and got off the bus, three or four stops before mine. I would never see her again. I went back to my book, I felt like laughing... what a life! What a beautiful life I had just for a few seconds...

Flowers

2006-06-07T22:29:00.000-03:00

Today when I was going home, I saw beautiful flowers on the ground, all scattered around a tree. They were red, most of them, and together like that they seemed to be a carpet, like a red carpet...
I passed by the tree sorrounded by these delicate red flowers and I noticed they were not from there, some of them were withering already, their colours were fading, the soft petals all smashed and bruised...
All fading, waning, dying flowers scattered on the floor...
Silly me... I just couldn't see all the flowers up there on the top of the tree!

The Call

2006-06-03T18:23:00.000-03:00

I'm going to call her! I can't wait anymore!
She said she would call, but two hours have passed since then and yet, no calls... She was looking lovely this morning, it was very cold and rainy outside, but when she arrived and looked at me with a smile I felt like I was melting, as if it was a really hot summer day. "Good morning" she said and passed by letting her hair go out of a bun, at the same time I felt that sweet scent of roses, her perfume invaded my nostrils and I didn't offer any resistance to that, I think I even kept my eyes half closed trying to enjoy it as much as I could... I just hope she didn't notice that.
I told her I needed to speak to her, "It is very important" I said, "Ok, I'll call you then" she said. And that's it, I thought to myself, that's the moment and I can't let it go. I got home and didn't leave the phone unattended for one single moment whatsoever! My eyes staring at it relentlessly, my hands sweating cold "She's gonna call! I know she is!" Or isn't she?
Maybe I should call her... but what if I call her and she thinks I'm being too persistent or desperate, what's even worse!
I think I can wait two hours more for her call... I think I'm going to read a book and just leave the phone there or maybe eat something... I think I shouldn't worry so much... I think... I think I need to call her now!
I feel like I've got a knot in my throat, my mouth is dry and time is not passing by...
I start fidgetting my fingers on the table, I stand up, I walk to and fro the telephone, I sit down... I can't wait anymore... I really need to call her... she needs to know the way I feel, she needs to know about everything... that's the moment!
I pick up the receiver, butterflies in my stomach, I push the stone cold keys and dial her number... now it's just a matter of seconds... just a few seconds to change my life completely, to bring light into my gray and dark soul, to live and be happy again... just a few seconds away from her... just...

The line is busy...

Delirium

2006-05-31T23:31:00.000-03:00

What does the mind's eye see?
Images of dreams and delusions?
Dreams weaving reality?
What does the poet see?
Empty hallucinations lost inside?
A shape twisting and creating itself
In many different colours and shades?
Take this oniric veil out of my mind
Allow me to perceive what you see
Muse, don't ban my sight
God, I need to awake!

A thought

2006-05-30T23:01:00.000-03:00

There are wide and lonely places in my mind where my thoughts run free, lost and forgotten.

Recurring thoughts

2006-05-28T17:19:00.000-03:00

2 p.m. I awake, my head is spinning, nobody's home...
Trying hard to gather my thoughts I look at the nightstand clock, it's late!
I stand up quickly, almost losing my balance I reach the doorknob and hold still, it feels like I've been drinking all night or maybe I just slept too much.
Going to the toilet, I wash my face with cold water to wake up... maybe who knows, get rid of this headache, but it's no use... I look at myself in the mirror... pale, dead-like pale. Not the best look for a Sunday, whatever...
I push myself down the hall and go back to bed and just let my body fall over it, almost inert. I roll my eyes back to the nightstand... James Joyce and his Dubliners is there waiting for me to finish, I think about taking the book, but my hands don't move...
No sound in the room... birds singing and dogs barking outside, sometimes a very distant cry or cars passing by... but here there's no sound.
What's wrong? What's going on? Time runs fast, I close my eyes trying to remember a dream, my head hurts so much... I need to remember it...
I sit on my bed with my head between my hands, my eyes closed... that's not just another day... or it was not supposed to be one!
What's going on? What's going on today?
I never forget, I never forget the same things and they always happen, I can't help thinking about them! What's wrong? I whisper to myself...
Between here and there lies the same distance, but it's a long one, it's endless, almost infinite... what's wrong? Is it beyond my reach?
The same thoughts, the same questions... Major headache, I go back to sleep.
I still need to remember that dream!

Two Days

2006-05-27T00:16:00.000-03:00

I've mourned for you for two days
I've suffered because of you
I've lost sense of direction again
I've been without a meaning for life

It took two days to wipe out the tears
To mend the pieces of my broken heart
To forget the pictures of my mind
To breathe new life into my soul

You took me two days to recover
You took my life in your hands
And just threw it easily away
Two long days to be myself again

Two days to forget about two years
Two days to forget about five minutes
Two days to forget about one moment
That ripped out my heart and torn it apart

Just two endless days to move on
Forty-eight hours of sorrow and pain
Two ruthless days marked in my chest
Two days to forget you for a lifetime

It only took me two days...

Emptiness

2006-05-25T22:49:00.000-03:00

So that's love they say
The astounding feelings
Aching desires and lust
A maelstrom of passion
But when love is gone
When love never ever comes
All that is left behind
Is a hollow soul
An empty man's body
The shell of sorrow
A pool of lies and regret
All that rests is emptiness

Mindflux (an experiment)

2006-05-21T17:57:00.000-03:00

I’m never gonna make it, it’s way past 3 already and I’m late again... I’m always so damn late, I guess my father is right. I hate him, always right, always criticizing, always knows everything... as if he knew exactly the way I feel, he never knows, he barely cares about me, I’m sure he didn’t want to have another kid, he’s always talking about my brother and sisters, but me, he hates me... I hate him... I hate old people and buses... what a bloody combination! Damn, just look at that old fart trying to get off the bus, I’m late, for Christ sake! Get out of the fucking bus, old lady! I wish I could just kick her out! There you go, three more minutes late, I hate old people, they should just stay home...
I’m never going to get old, I’m sure... I’ll probably die of some disease or car accident, maybe an air crash, yeah, this one's better...
I need you to need me too, well switch the music I’m tired of this one... "I need you to need me" that’s so not real, as if I’d ever find someone who would need me as much as I need them, it’s all bullshit this love stuff... Why do we love anyway?
I guess my friend is right... it’s just a reproduction technique, people need to mate... well, I agree with that... I think I know this one... yeah, the same girl I saw yesterday when I was late for my... damn, always late... I hate that!
Time, time is a diabolic thing... why do we have to follow schedules and timetables? Just to have good definitions about what is late and what is early... lazy and hardworking people...
Yeah, I know this girl... she was in my class... she’s quite good looking from this point of view... but I don’t know her name… I need to find out her name... then maybe next time I could start a conversation, who knows... oh, just forget about it... you’ll never do that! I’m so stupid sometimes...
No, not this song... I’m tired of this too... I need to delete this one... ok, that’s a good one...
Time to go... I’m late!

Forever alone...

2006-05-20T23:39:00.000-03:00

I am alone again, alone as I have always been in my whole life.
Love has forsaken me, I have been doomed by my destiny one more time...
Only this time I believed, only this time I prayed for somebody to love and love me too. But the song has ended, the image is gone... I feel like I’ve been torn apart in a thousand pieces, all scattered on the floor, I feel empty, incomplete.
Without you I’m half the man I wanted to be.
Without you I wander lost in a world of confusion and pain.
Forever alone...

(5/5)

Daydreaming

2006-05-19T14:45:00.000-03:00

In the darkness of my room, I hear that sweet voice again calling my name.
I see the shadows dance around me, taking the shape of a body, I see bright green eyes staring right into my soul, lips smiling full of joy, soft hands touching my skin.
That presence, that perfect human being taking over my body and soul...
I try to wake up, but my eyes are not closed! I am lost in a daydream’s illusion...
There is somebody there, I see you there holding my hand... But I am alone...
I look at the dark figure swaying around me, my head is spinning I feel so confused. I keep looking at it "You gave me love, you gave me more than I could ever wish for! I love you, image of my dreams! Stay tonight, don’t leave me here in this lonely room all by myself."
I close my eyes, I start crying... My hands are so cold... I feel so cold inside...
There’s nobody here... the room is empty, there is no sound... there is... nothing.

(4/5)

And so...

2006-05-18T22:41:00.000-03:00

And so I understood I was not meant for love.
It was a feeling I could not share with someone, but only suffer from it.
I resigned myself to this fate, locked myself away in my room and stayed there, silently thinking... lost in my own solitude.

(3/5)

Once...

2006-05-17T22:33:00.000-03:00

Then once in my life I heard a song and it was the sweet voice of love filling my ears with joy.
My heart started pounding hard and fast, I was in love for the first time.
I wish that feeling would be complete, I wish it could make all my dreams come true... I realise then, I was the only one listening to that song and it faded away, killing me slowly inside...

I had a heart that longed for love, I lonely heart buried in a soulless man’s chest.

(2/5)

About me

2006-05-16T23:17:00.000-03:00

It's time to introduce myself...

A curse was placed upon me since the day I was born. A small snow-white angel whispered in my ear "You shall live and grow old on this world, you shall love everyone, but you shall never be loved."
My mother couldn't understand why I cried for one month...
And that is how I grew up and nobody could ever understand my crying soul...
I was born to walk in the shadows, I was meant to walk alone...

(1/5)

Blank

2006-05-16T14:49:00.000-03:00

empty day in my mind
emptiness in my heart

Tearing and breaking down

2006-05-15T22:44:00.000-03:00

You didn't leave me a message, you didn't say hi...
You read all my letters and didn't reply...
I was waiting for your answers, I needed to know if you loved my smile
No answers, no message, no nothing... you don't care
I'm tearing now...
I'm breaking down...

Love hurts me again...

A beggar

2006-05-15T13:16:00.000-03:00

Cold Monday morning, I was walking on the street buried in my own thoughts...
I was waiting to cross a busy avenue when I saw a beggar on the corner all rolled up in an old and dusty blanket, trying to hide away from the freezing wind... I looked at him and he had a strange look in his eyes, it was oddly pleasant and peaceful.
I stared at the old man as I could not figure out why he seemed so serene, so calm...
He has such a difficult life, he doesn't have anything: no shelter, no food, no clothes, maybe not even friends... I needed to know, I really needed to know why he seemed to be so glad!
I was already late, thinking about the loads of things I have to do and the lack of time I have to do all of them when he saw me and smiled at me...
I crossed the avenue and I realise...

We always want to know too much

The photo...

2006-05-14T19:09:00.000-03:00

She showed me a photo today... she was so happy, I could see the brightness in her eyes, the same way I could see years ago when I told her how much I loved her.
She showed me a photo with her boyfriend... they are celebrating one year, she wants to make a special surprise... she asked me for advice...
I don't know why she showed me that photo today... just today...
She's happy, she's happy in the picture...

I'm miserable inside...

The Poet